As I write, you’re 4 days old, resting on my chest in Grandma’s guestroom, and your sleeping face is tilted up toward mine. These past three nights haven’t afforded me much sleep: not because you cry/fuss (you don’t you’re actually a very easy baby), but because I want to look at you, hold you, kiss you, I just can’t seem to want to sleep when you’re here.
Saturday night, July 23rd, I had a dream about going to the hospital and having you in my arms. That morning, I woke up at 5:30 to some pretty intense contractions. I was so excited that this might be it, I woke up Rolf and said “I think I’m in labor, and wanted you to know, but I think it’s too early to go to the hospital.” I immediately went into the shower, grabbed my labor ball, and tried to make it through. Your daddy sat right next to me and talked me through the 30 seconds of intense pain. I asked him to tell me what you’d look like, to tell me about you, and he’d say that you’re so excited to see me, will be so beautiful and be in my arms soon. The pain become so intense and Rolf was timing the contractions with a piece of scrap paper and his cell phone, and it looked like it was time. So we left for Orange Coast at 6:30 am.
It was so admirable, the moment we got there the kind petite nurse began explaining things and wheeled in something that looked “intervention-y,” she said the baby goes in it after birth, and since Rolf knew how important it was to me that you’d be put immediately in my arms to hold and feed, he started getting very upset with her. I could tell he was being protective and nervous all at the same time.
Soon the midwife came in, she was tall with short blonde hair and a kind smile, she held my hand, put her other hand on my shoulder, and asked me how I felt and wanted to know about us. I liked her immediately. She then said I was just 2 cm dialated, but definitely in progressing labor. She thoughtfully said, based on my birth plan (I wanted to have you unmedicated to minimize any risks to your arrival, and make sure we could bond immediately), she recommended I labor at home for a while longer and come back in the afternoon. I was afraid, and told her how I worried the contractions would be too painful, and she empathized and listened to me, afterward saying I might be surprised by what my body could handle. If it got too bad, she said I could definitely have an epidural, but her intuition said I’m probably stronger than I think, and that if I had an epidural too early, I might wonder how it might have been different if I had waited just a bit longer. Rolf was holding my hand, rubbing my back, and patiently waited for me to make up my mind. When I decided to go home, he dutifully packed everything up and rushed to the car so I wouldn’t have to walk to the lot, and the midwife kept me company walking me out herself and talking to me.
We got back home at around 8:30am, grand ma was there waiting for us. She gave me a big hug and was so excited for me, and I told her I don’t know how she did this twice! She just smiled and encouraged me on. I immediately went back into the shower. We called the doula, and she said I could be in the Jacuzzi for about an hour, and then needed to take a warm shower. I hopped right in, and your daddy came with me to support and hug me from behind. He would kiss my shoulder, hold my belly, and tell me everything would be okay. I’ll never forget leaning on the blue tile, watching the cool water sparkle, focusing on the yellow slide and flowers, and as the sun came out, Grandma thoughtfully brought out a beach umbrella for me, and a regular one for Rolf. Grandma and Rolf helped me count contractions in chairs by the pool and dutifully watched over me. During a contractions, I’d say “oooppeeen” in a low, loud voice, and apparently scared a few of grandma’s neighbors. At one point I couldn’t breathe in very well with so much pressure on my lungs, I was taking short breaths, and Rolf told me to keep eye contact with him and breathe long, deep breaths in, and then out, and that helped so much. He could tell how much pain I was in, and cried with me and told me how proud he was of me for enduring this. We kept eye contact the whole time, and I’ll never forget his look of admiration and love. I’m a lucky woman.
Grandma brought me out macaroni and cheese, yogurt, water, and and orange creamsicle, and helped me eat because I needed to eat for the energy I’d need to deliver.
The doula came around 1:30 pm and immediately went to work asking how I felt to guage how far I’d dialated. I said I was worried my water had broke, and I looked in enough pain to be pretty far along, because she checked me briefly in the family room and said, “It’s time to go to the hospital---don’t push!” So she rode with Rolf and I, and Grandma followed us. When we arrived, we went straight back to the delivery room on the end, and the nurse immediately checked me, I was 6 cm dialated and your heartbeat was so strong, that they took me off the monitor, and lowered the lights so I could labor. I immediately went to the shower, and Rolf and the doula waited there with me looking in and helping me breathe. I hung off the shower curtain rod, clung onto the side rail. I’ll never forget the peach-colored triangle tile, it was the most difficult thing I’ve done. Hydrotherapy helped a little, but each contraction wave had me going inward, deep in pain, just trying to make it through each one. I cried for an epidural or narcotic during contractions, I was able to rest in between them, but I’m glad Rolf respected my earlier plan, because it was definitely worth it in the end to bond with you.
I tried so many positions: hanging off the closet top, squatting off of the bed, kneeling on the floor, and kneeling forward with my head pressed against the back of the bed, sitting off the back of the toilet. I starting begging for them to break my water, and the doula told me to try squatting a few times hanging off the bed, and after 2-3 tries, it worked. A huge gush broke around 5:30pm, and then things moved pretty quickly. I was 8 cm then, and I labored in the shower and Rolf held me from behind to get through each one. They called the midwife to quickly come from home because I’d be pushing soon. When she arrived around 6:15-30ish, my body was already telling me to push and I had started on my own. The endorphins were kicking in to their zenith, I was shaking and shivering with adrenaline, and could not believe it was almost it, I’d be holding her in 2 hours tops. The midwife arrived, her cheery nature making me feel instantly better, especially since her arrival meant your ware almost here. She checked me, I was 10 cm, and she said you were absolutely ready to come. They checked your heartbeat, it was so strong, and your strength helped me to keep pushing knowing you were working with me and all would be alright. I pushed for about 30 minutes, Rolf and the doula were holding my legs, and the room began spinning, everything about life felt insignificant except for you, Rolf, and me together in that room about to become a family. I was in “the zone,” you were present with me, every push brought me closer to you and I was thrilled beyond words. After 7-8 pushes, your head began to come out, then back in, then out again. I was shaking more than ever before. Rolf told me he could see her, began crying, and our eyes met again as he held my hand and told me how she’s almost here, he loves me so much and was so proud of me. The midwife told me I could feel your head, and as I reached down, you were so warm, and a thrill shot through me. A couple more pushes, and you were here!
The midwife immediately put you on my chest, I was grabbing for you and immediately began sobbing with Rolf, he put his head close to mine, and we held you together. I kissed your head, you had vernix all over you but I didn’t care. As Rolf and I cried together and touched and kissed you all over, everything else in the room seemed to freeze, all the activity going on around us faded into the backdrop. You began to cry, and you sounded beautiful. Since we did an unmedicated birth, your eyes were wide open, you immediately cocked your head up while lying on my chest and looked up at me with your big blue eyes—I couldn’t believe how alert you were. Neither could the midwife or all the nurses, they all commented on your alertness. And your platinum blonde hair, you had so much of it and everyone said they’d seen blondes but never so white.
I asked that we maintain skin-to-skin contact for as long as possible, so they cleaned you up, gave you everything you needed while still lying on my chest. You were such a good baby, just soaking in all your surroundings, looking at your dad and me. When they needed to take you to weigh you, I was sad even though you’d be right next to me, and I kept asking, “can I feed her now? I want to feed her now!” Right after being weighed, they gave you back to me and I nursed you for the first time. You latched on immediately, we were a perfect fit.
They took you again (even though we were in the same room) while I washed up, and your daddy watched over you. My knees and legs were weak from the delivery and I was bleeding a lot, but psychologically I still felt great and was racing from the excitement that it was over.. I couldn’t believe I didn’t even tear, either, so my vaginal area felt arlight. And I have you to thank for that, Evie. You worked perfectly with me the whole labor, your heatbeat stayed strong whenever they checked you so that you could handle every contraction, you moved down to just the right place in my body, and turned just right as you came out. We did it—together.
They said I needed to be in a wheelchair to go across the hall to the post-partum room, I figured I’d walk since I felt okay, and I begged that I hold you or at least push your cart, but they said no. But they let Rolf do it, so we made our first trip together. I felt so proud of us, as all the nurses said “congratulations” and I knew I was going to a place where Rolf, you, and I could rest and cocoon for 48 whole hours, the hadest part was behind us!
Our night nurse Pam was really sweet, she gave us turkey sandwiches, graham crackers, and soda. She also made sure I was beastfeeding alright and got us whatever we needed. Rolf had h is own bed but came into bed with me so we could both watch you and enjoy every facial expression, hold your hand, and touch you. And you slept great.
The second day we met the lactation consultant, pediatrician, and then Grandma and Grannie came to visit that afternoon. It was so amazing to see 5 generations right there in front of me. You and Grannie matched, you both had white hair.
The second night they took you to get your shots, which I wasn’t happy about, but Rolf and I got to spend time together and remembered how much we loved each other. And you were so brave, you came back wide-eyed and perfectly content. Before I forget, here are some memories of the room: my bed faced a wall of windows with bay blinds, the shower was right across from me, and the bathroom was right across from Rolf. The postpartum area looked very new and homey, grey and dark wood that looked very nice, not like a typical white-washed and scary-looking/outdated hospital. They brought us tons of food and we never went hungry. Whenever we needed something, I pressed a button and someone came.
The day we checked out, I drew it out as long as possible because I cherished our “Evie cave” and didn’t want the uninterrupted time together to end. Rolf packed everything up, and away we went. We've gone on walks almost daily together on the beach, just the three of us, ever since.
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